The Duke and the Duchess

[THE DUKE.]

Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get – and they’re highly delighted.
M.P.s baronetted,
Sham Colonels gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted.
Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying,
It adds a large sum to my makings.
At charity dinners
The best of speech-spinners,
I get ten per cent on the takings!

[THE DUCHESS.]

I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety;
When Virtue would quash her
I take and whitewash her
And launch her in first-rate society.
I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers –
Their fit and their finishing touches;
A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess!

[THE DUKE.]

Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors,
Quote me as their great double-barrel;
I allow them to do so,
Though ROBINSON CRUSOE
Would jib at their wearing apparel!
I sit, by selection,
Upon the direction
Of several Companies bubble;
As soon as they’re floated
I’m freely bank-noted –
I’m pretty well paid for my trouble!

[THE DUCHESS.]

At middle-class party
I play at ECARTE –
And I’m by no means a beginner;
To one of my station
The remuneration –
Five guineas a night and my dinner.
I write letters blatant
On medicines patent –
And use any other you mustn’t;
And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody’s soap – which it doesn’t.

[THE DUKE.]

We’re ready as witness
To any one’s fitness
To fill any place or preferment;
We’re often in waiting
At junket FETING,
And sometimes attend an interment.
In short, if you’d kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches,
Or hoodwink a debtor,
You cannot do better
Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!